Alter U
by lar-ton
Summary: Alter U. 'The fantastic new game that allows you to become a completly different person for 24 hours.' But somewhere along the line it goes wrong for Rimmer and Lister.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: May we (lar-ton and ral-edge, partners in crime) state for the record that we are NOT, hard core porn writers. Although the following story may contain moments of slight slash, we apoligse for not being able to write them in a vivid, slightly pervy way as we are too pure and innocent. May we also thank everyone out there who is able to write the dirty stuff! You make the world go round. Thanks for your sympathy!

Disclaimer: We do not own any of these wonderful characters (although we wish we did!) Except for, Liam (who will be launching a successful music career) and Rachael (who has joined a monastery as a nun). We also own the 'Alter U' program, however we do not own any other technology mentioned. Thank You. Enjoy!

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Lister's hand sneaked out from under his duvet, and fumbled around for the buzzing alarm clock, knocking over a half empty can of larger and other paraphernalia in the process. His fingers finally closed round the smooth plastic of the regulation alarm clock, he groaned and threw it as hard as he could at the wall where it smashed into a thousand pieces that scattered across the floor.

Lister gave a self-satisfied sigh, and turned over. His lie-in was disrupted by something even more irritating then a ringing alarm clock. Something that made Lister want to beat himself unconscious with a crow bar.

It was the voice of Arnold J. Rimmer

"That's the 5th alarm clock you've gone through this month, it's your fault my pay packet is so small! My taxes are being wasted because you buy a new alarm more often then a page 3 girl removes her bra!" snapped Rimmer,

Lister cursed and pulled the thin, flimsy pillow round his head in desperation to block out the noise, but still Rimmer's irritating; suicide-inducing voice rang in Lister's ears.

When he could finally take it no more, he sat up, hurled the pillow at Rimmer's head, missing it be 3 feet, and shouted "Well good news for and your smeggin taxes, I don't need a friggin alarm clock with you waking me up every morning. You've got a voice that could drive a deaf man to suicide!"

"Well someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning" said Rimmer, "you really should try to control your anger more, you'd make more friends and you'd get noticed by women, and it won't be the smell that made them notice you!"

"Rimmer smeg off" Lister muttered, regretting throwing the pillow at Rimmer, he could have used it as a pair of unorthodox earmuffs.

"Wow!" laughed Rimmer, taking care to use his most sarcastic voice, "And there I was thinking you never put any thought into your insults whatsoever, well you've proved me wrong!"

Lister bit his lip, hard enough for it to bleed; to stop himself pummeling Rimmer round the head with some random object and instead buried his head under the duvet in the hope this was a horrible nightmare and that he'd wake up and Rimmer would be quiet, shy person who never felt it necessary to air his opinions. Rimmer however, oblivious to this action continued talking, "Anyway, Listy Thought you might want to get up, the posts arrived, maybe it certifies that your actually a human being!" he said with a sneer and a twisted smile.

Lister stayed still for a few moments, counting in his head, '28 day delivery. How many days now? 25, 26, 27- 28!'

Lister sprang out of the bunk and restled Rimmer, "Gimme" Rimmer glared at him with contempt before handing him a thick brown envelope and turning secretively back to his locker. Lister was about to rip the envelope open when he noticed Rimmer was struggling with a wad of paper which didn't seem to be co-operating with him. Lister grinned, "More rejection letters Rimmer?"

Rimmer turned to glare at him, "I'll have you know that the publishers are very interested in my report on Nineteenth Century Vending Machines!"

Lister rolled his eyes, "Yeah, I'm sure. That's why they wrote to you saying, that the paper was the softest ever to grace their bottoms, and where could they get more of it from."

Rimmer snapped his locker door shut and frowned sadly at Lister before storming into the bathroom. For a moment, Lister felt a little guilty at causing Rimmer to get so upset, but then he remembered this was Rimmer they were talking about, and laughed; before ripping open the envelope and tipping the contents onto the table.

Out dropped a large reference manual, an earpiece and a hologramatic unit.

Lister smilied slightly at seeing this "Bru-tul, it's arrived" Lister picked up the manual, whistled at it's excessive weight and dropped it back down on the table, hardly giving it a second glance. This would later prove to be a major, major mistake.

He picked up the ear piece and examined it carefully, before setting it down and pressing play on the hologramatic unit, a light protection of a woman then started talking in random technical jargon, Lister grimaced and pressed fast forward until he got to a good bit,

"_-In conclusion the game 'Alter U' allows you to become a different person for 24 hours, the game creates a new, image/personality/voice/past/ and other human elements. You still ultimately have control over your thoughts and actions, however the game enables you to see things from your characters perspective and guides you to making a decision similar to that of your character. Happy Alter-U-ing!"_

The woman grinned before disappearing and a choice menu appeared. Lister grinned, "Ye-es!"

his finger hovered near the hologramtic projection, unsure of what to do, several buttons flashed and flickered "Start Game" "exit" and "Help" he pushed his finger onto the "start Game button" and was mildly surprised when his finger didn't move through the choice menu, but the button flashed green and the screen melted onto a page that resembled some kind of catalogue.

There were rows and rows of people, men, women, big, small, blonde, brunettes, every kind of person imaginable. Lister began absent mindedly chewing his finger nails as he surveyed the people, with just one push of a button, he could become any one of them, for 24 hours. It was tough, it was like trying to decide what to have on an incredibly packed menu, you think you'd have seen the perfect one, then you see a type that's even better. Lister's brain was beginning to hurt; it always did when he was forced to make tough decisions. He closed his eyes and began to use his fool proof method that rarely failed.

"Ip, dip, doo-"

Lister gently eased open his eyes, and let out a grateful sighHe gazed into the mirror at 'Liam' he was suavely good looking with a slightly disheveled appearance. Lister ran his fingers through his hair, Liam did the same. Lister grinned, so did Liam; "Bru- smeggin- tal!" As Lister said this he saw Liam's mouth move too and heard a voice that wasn't his own say the same.

Lister gave Liam one last grin, to get a proper look at his new body. He stepped back away from the mirror and glanced in the mirror. Liam was tall, about a foot taller then Lister. He had light brown hair that was lovingly sculptured into spikes; bright blue eyes, and a movie star smile. Lister touched his, well Liams shirt, and was amazed as he felt the soft fabric beneath his fingers. Liam was wearing an ice blue shirt, and a pair of Levis Lister had seen twice in a shop, and knew that they cost more then his AND Rimmer's yearly salaries put together. Lister couldn't help it; he slid his hand down Liam's arm, amazed by the muscles that were concealed underneath the shirt. Lister tugged up Liam's shirt, and let out an involuntary gasp at the sight of his taught, flat 6 pack stomach. Lister couldn't help feeling a little jealous, as Liam stared back at him, with his rippling muscles, perfect hair, and expensive jeans.

Lister shrugged the feeling off and winked at the mirror, grinning. All of a sudden he felt the urge to apply hair products and to brush his teeth. He turned towards the bathroom, before remembering Rimmer was in there. Oh god. Rimmer was in there- If he came out now he'd see him, well Liam; he'd freak, thinking he'd broken in or something. Suddenly his thoughts were brought back to reality as he heard a crash and a surprisingly high pitched screech from behind the door- even for Rimmer. Panicking slightly he grabbed some money from his locker and quickly left the room, plastering a grin on as he went.

If he'd stuck around for one minute longer he would have seen a petite blond peer out from behind the bathroom door and squeal in relief.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Heeelllloooooo! We weren't planning to update for a couple more days but when we read our first reviews we were spurred on the 'deliver the goods' so to speak, ;) So anyway, here's chapter 2. Hope you enjoy! Love, lar-ton & ral-edge.

**PS: **We'd like to thank, **missymaniac** and **Thesseli** for our first reviews! We love you!

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"Ohmyohmyohmyhomyohmyohmh god god god smegging bloody hell fire" gabbled the blonde, racing over to the mirror, she let out another loud shriek, clamping her hand over her mouth, "I'm a smegging women" she groaned.

Rimmer, with trembling hands, touched the blonde's face, scarcely able to believe she was him. He slid his hands across her face feeling her smooth, peachy skin, his hands then moved down his...her neck, all the while he was whimpering in his new, soft feather light voice, he jumped slightly as his hands made contact with breasts. He froze wondering what to do. The last time he'd been this close to a pair of breasts he was 4 months old and it was dinner time.

He ran his fingers over them and smiled, "At least a c cup" he said to no one in particular.

His hands reluctantly moved downwards, they wanted to stay clammed to the breasts. Rimmer felt his hands glide over a flat stomach before moving outwards to trace a pair of curvy hips. Rimmer looked down, staring at the tight red dress that looked like he'd been poured into, his eyes met Rachael's, she was trembling, just like Rimmer, and looked incurably uncomfortable. She had a small face, pale hazel coloured eyes, and a small nose and mouth, her blonde, almost mousy coloured hair hung loose round her shoulders.

Rimmer threw his head back and groaned. He'd been ready to choose a new body, on the Alter U game. A tall dark haired Spanish bloke called Antonio, but at the exact moment he'd moved his fingers to make the selection, he sneezed jerking forward and when he opened his eyes, he realised he was shorter, he casually glanced up into the bathroom mirror, looked away, then realised what was wrong.

He was a women.

He groaned, letting her head drop on the mirror. "Smeg." Looking up at his reflection he smiled, at least he wasn't one of the really ugly characters on offer. They're had been a particularly nasty looking character by the name of Brutus, with more tattoos than a centipede has legs.

He stepped back and glanced at Rachael's legs, whistling quietly, he ran a hand up her silky skin and smirked. He could actually have a lot of fun getting to know, Rachael- _better._

Yes.

_Much better._

Anyone who had seen Lister, well Liam walking down the grey, gloomy corridors of Red Dwarf was a huge, permanent slightly manic grin plastered onto his face, would have thought he was either insanely happy, or on some illegal substance. He couldn't help it, Lister was passing places he'd seen a thousand or more times, yet today they felt new, exciting, everything was just waiting to be explored.

It took Lister nearly 20 minutes to realize he was attracting a lot more female attention then he usually did. Women would stop dead in their tracks and stare at him longingly, they'd sigh as he casual strolled passed, hands in his jeans that cost the earth, they'd bat their eyelashes at him if he caught them staring. In short- he was a sex beast. Lister was just turning a corner, when it was his turn to stop dead in his tracks when he spotted the one person who made him stare, sigh and oddly enough, bat his eyelashes.

Navigation Officer Kristine Kochanski was walking his way.

Lister, ran his hand through his hair for the 100th time that morning and headed strait for Kristine, she was stood with two other female officers who both started giggling and twirling their hair round their fingers when they saw him approaching. As he reached Kristine he stood behind her and whispered in her ear, "Hi."

She jumped half a mile before turning to face with a scowl, "What do think your doing?"

His smile faltered slightly, a little taken aback at this cold reception but pressed on, "I was just wondering if you'd like to accompany me to the Officers lounge tonight? Shall we say 7?"

Kristine's lips pursed in anger and she narrowed her eyes, "What makes you think I'd go anywhere with a _pretty boy _like you?"

"Errrm, well," Lister stammered, shifting nervously in his new trainers "Why not?" He wanted to run to the nearest wall and bang his head on it, why did his mouth, correction LIAM's mouth, have to open and let those stupid, ignorant, self obsessed words come tumbling out, he was such a smeg head.

Kristine raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow and fixed Lister with a cold, hard stare " Listen matey" she said, jabbing him in the chest with her finger, "I would have thought you'd be QUITE content with the amount of girls flocking round your feet like the poor, love sick fools they are!" she gave a particularly hard jab and her scowl intensified "and you have no right, what-so-ever to presume I would go the officers lounge with you, not now, not ever."

She pushed Lister back with such a force, he was sure he'd have toppled over if the wall hadn't been there, "Now then, Barbie boy, take your fancy jeans and your 'because I'm worth it' haircut away from me, before I have you reported for harassing a superior officer"

"I was only asking you out!" whined Lister pathetically, rubbing his chest where Kris had jabbed him,

"NOW!" she yelled, pointing down the corridor, eyes aflame with fury.

Lister backed away, holding his hands up in surrender, but somehow found him saying, "You know you want it," and winking. At this Kristine's mouth hung open and raised her arm to slap, however Lister seeing this, quickly turned round, cursed himself and swaggered off down the corridor and into the canteen for breakfast.

Rimmer meanwhile was now about to leave his and Lister's room- well he'd said he was but, every time he got to the door he remembered something else he needed to take with him. The fact he was a women didn't exactly help with Rimmer's anxieties. Although strangely enough it wasn't the fact he was stuck in a women's body for 24 hours, but more that he was worried about looking like a hooker.

He stared critically at his scantily clad figure and frowned. The dress was too short, (both at the bottom and the top) it showed way too much flesh and was too tight for words; and the less said about the heels the better. Rimmer groaned, his old clothes were useless now, unless he wanted to turn Rachel into a cross dresser, something which he definitely didn't want to do. There was no avoiding it.

He'd have to go shopping.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N (ral-edge): Hurrah -hugs stranger walking down the street in state of glee- I thought we'd never finished this chapter, uggggghhhhh don't you just hate writers block, how is it possible that 2 people, who are co-writing a story, BOTH have writers block at-the-same-time.

We'd just like to say; we have absolutely no idea where the hell these imminent ideas come from, but if they result in more reviews, I want their home address. This chapter has been written (eventually) but we had to suffer, short tempers, numb bums, aching fingers and drooping eyes. We hope you enjoy this chapter, and pause, just for a micro second and ponder how much thought and love has gone into it. Cheers. Thank you. Bye

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Rimmer suspiciously eyed Todhunter, who took this sign as a 'come on' and placed a hand on Rachael's firm bottom. Rimmer was less then thrilled at sharing a lift with the pathetic, slime covered, toad that was Todhunter. 

He edged nervously away, wanting to put as much space as humanly possible between him and Todhunter's affections, part of him, presumably Rachael's personality, wanted to run his fingers through Todhunters hair, and unbutton his shirt. Rimmer practically gagged at the thought of doing anything with Todunter, sexual or not!

"In your dreams, pal!" Rimmer snapped nastily,

Todhunter blinked stupidly, before winking and placing a hand on her chest, "I know your game- playing hard to get- I'll pick you up at 8!"

Rimmer then found Rachael's hand being brought to Todhunter's cheek in a caress, at the last second Rimmer realised what he was doing and instead slapped the pretentious jerk across the face with as much strength as he could muster.

"I don't think so, _chum_." Snapped Rimmer, before stepping past the speechless Todhunter and out of the lift.

Rimmer stared through the shop window with his mouth hanging open and drool coming out. He couldn't help it. He'd never felt this way before about anything; but for some reason just looking at the bright colours and textures was giving him a heady sense of euphoria.

It was better than drugs.

At least, he guessed it was...

Heart pounding in his chest; Rimmer eased the door open and entered the shop.

At first he thought he was having a heart attack.

His heart was pounding, he was lightheaded, and his hands were flapping about; but when he involuntarily let out a squeal of excitement and darted to the nearest rack. He was suddenly struck by a much worse conclusion.

Rachael was a shopaholic.

Swallowing this unfamiliar feeling, Rimmer ran his hands across the rack, closing his eyes in ecstasy. There were all sorts of garments here; big, small, subtle, bright, tight, baggy. Everything imaginable.

Rimmer darted his hand out and picked out a small leopard print skirt from the rack. Normally he would be disgusted by this kind of thing, he wanted his girlfriend to be a lady; but Rachael's motto seemed to be the skimpier the better.

Rimmer slapped himself mentally; the point of this exercise was to get Rachael into something MORE modest not something LESS.

He stuffed the offending item deep in a nearby rack and carried on looking, he then spotted a dress, black, short but acceptable, classy and affordable, he was just about to take the dress to the changing rooms when he spotted another dress, equally as nice. Dark blue, it seemed to shimmer in the light and was trimmed with silver beads. Rimmer was now faced with a predicament women all across the universe had to deal with every time they stepped foot in a shop. He wanted both but he knew he couldn't have both, Rimmer stood, a dress in each hand, biting his lip, trying to make his decision.

Entering the changing rooms with both dresses, Rimmer hung them up and stared at them for a moment, before unzipping the red dress and slipping out. At seeing Rachael's naked chest, Rimmer closed his eyes tightly before easing them open and having a good ogle.

He quickly snapped out of it, 'No, I'm a women now, I can't go around ogling tits...breasts."

He pulled the first dress off the hanger and slipped it on, he actually looked surprisingly glamorous in it, it seemed to stick to Rachael's curvy figure like it'd been made for her, Rimmer twirled round, catching sight of his reflection from all directions, before slipping out of the dress and trying on the blue,

"oh-my-god" mouthed Rimmer to his disgusted reflection "my arse is huge"

he tugged at the dress, trying to make it conceal Rachael's fat behind

"I've got an arse the size of two hot air balloons" whined Rimmer, banging his head against the mirror.

Almost in tears, Rimmer took the dress off and put it back on its hanger. Before grabbing the black one, and heading to the checkout.

When he was actually at the cash point though he suddenly remembered that the dress was a little low cut and if he bent over, Rachael's boobs might- pop out. He turned round and headed back to the racks, in search of a vest.

Rimmer practically screamed in delight at the rows and rows of underwear, all different styles, colours, designs, it was HEAVEN. He ran, with some difficulty due to Rachael's inadequate footwear, to the nearest rack, and began rifling through, he help up a purple lacy garment and examined in curiously

"How do you use this contraption" he said, turning it over, trying to figure out its use

"That would be a bra." said the sales clerk, Rimmer jumped, allowing the purple lacy thing to slide from his fingers, and drop to the floor,

"I knew that!" lied Rimmer, blushing crimson. He quickly stooped to the floor to retrieve the fallen item of clothing, as he moved to get back up, he felt a sharp tug on Rachael's hair, then another, He stood up, and only then notice that several bras were hanging round his ear, attached to Rachael's hair, the Sales Clerk gave Rimmer a confused stare as if thinking 'is this girl for real?'.

"May I...help you?" she asked anxiously,

Rimmer, still blushing, untangled the nearest bra from his hair "This one please"

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After sitting through a whole breakfast where women were practically lying on the table in front of him, removing their clothes and screaming 'take me' Lister had got bored of the female attention, they were treating him like some kind of accessory, something that would great on their arm, not one of the women came up and talked to him, face to face like a human being. It wasn't only the female attention that was affecting Lister; he'd seen groups of burly, huge, angry men deep in discussion, cracking their knuckles whenever he looked at them. They were presumably talking about the man who had made they're women want to be unfaithful. 

Surprising to Lister, he was actually more worried about the whereabouts of Rimmer. He hadn't seen hide or hair of him all morning; and it was making him anxious.

At quarter to 9 he hadn't come in and sat at the back table on his own, he hadn't ordered his regular tea and toast, and he hadn't taken out his entire collection of stationary to continue writing his growing report on Lister.

In fact he hadn't stepped foot in the canteen all morning.

Lister shook his head, propelling the thoughts from his mind, he immediately wished he hadn't because his previous conversation with Kochnaksi came back to haunt him. He groaned and closed his eyes, he'd probably blown his chances with her right right out of the window, down the street, over the hill and off to god-knows-where.

Across the canteen, where Lister had stayed the whole morning expecting Rimmer's arrival, Todhunter was boasting very loudly about some chick he'd scored with,

"She just couldn't keep her hands off me!" he smirked, glancing round the circle of men, all hanging onto his every word, in need of some more details, the juicer the better.

Lister tutted at Todhunters misusage of women

'who would be crazy enough to allow that slime ball to even breathe the same air as them' he thought, tapping Liam's perfectly formed fingers on the table top.

"If I hadn't been a perfect gentlemen" bragged Todhunter leaning back in his chair, "I would have taken her there and then!"

Lister stood up and left, bored and slightly sickened by Todhunters sexual liaisons, and began walking aimlessly around the corridors.

Lister didn't look where he was going, he kept staring down at Liam's trendy trainers, that no doubt cost as much as his jeans, maybe even more.

Someone banged hard against Lister's shoulder, jerking him from his trance, a stack of folders and papers slithered to the floor,

"Sorry, I didn't mean- here let me help" said Lister, dropping to the floor, and scooping up the piles of paper, the person who he'd bumped into also dropped to the floor, Lister looked up to hand the wad of paper back did he realised who it was, "hi," he said stupidly,

Kristine's head jerked up and she frowned "oh god, not you again!" she spat, yanking her papers off Lister, who was currently speechless,

She stood up, adjusted her skirt and marched off down the corridor,

"I'm sorry!" Lister managed to call to her retreating back,

Kristine laughed, "Ffor what?" she asked, turning round,

"For acting like a prat this morning, and nearly knocking you flying just now..." he replied, walking up to her, keeping one eye on her free hand which wad currently placed on her hip,

"Apology accepted" she said, somewhat coldly,

"okay" Lister smiled, showing Liams impeccable teeth "now your turn"

Kochanski, stepped back, a little shocked "I BEG your pardon?" she asked, not bothering to hide her sneer

"I said sorry for being a prat, now you say sorry for being so mean to me this morning!" said Lister,

"I was not mean to you this morning." replied Kochanski, a little hysterical,

"You were, in the space of 3 minutes you called me a pretty boy, a Barbie boy and were cruel enough to make me consider suicide" Lister smiled "and you tried to slap me!" he added,

Kochanski's wide, open, eyes stared back at him, "You're right, I was rather cruel..." she said, calmly "allow me to make it up to you" she said, taking a step towards him, and smiling,

"How?" asked Lister, with a slight crack in his voice, as Kochanski came closer still, "I'll be in, Aquila at 6, I'll wait for you" she grinned impishly before sashaying down the corridor, throwing Lister a 'don't be late' glance.

Lister had to lean against the wall for support before screaming "YES!"


	4. Chapter 4

(Ral-edge) THANK THE GOOD LORD IN HEAVEN WE HAVE FOUND THE TIME TO COMPLETE THIS CHAPTER. Last Wednesday being the start of the new school year we found ourselves being buried alive by homework, coursework, work and faffy bits of paper, barely finding time to sleep let alone write we struggled to the heaven sent give of 'THE WEEKEND'. Thanks to all you who've reviewed, THANK YOU THANK YOU, to all those who read it, thank you too, and thanks to Liz (lar-ton) who's somehow coping with the shed loads of work better then I, and finding the time to eat, sleep and come up with new ideas.

(Lar-ton) Ok, so first of all sorry for the more lengthy wait than normal but as Bex (ral-edge) said we have been swamped with work of every description. Infact my homework is piled so high around my pc that I have to swim through it to get to my keyboard. Second of all **THANK YOU **TO YOU WHO HAVE REVIEWED this means you **Justina Moriarty**, **missymaniac** and **Thesseli. **Also thanks to ral-edge who I stress to remind everyone is co-writing this although sometimes becoming distracted by head-pigeons and French revision. Anyway without further hesitation, we give you, Chapter 4! Enjoy!

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Whilst Lister's dreams were coming true, Rimmer was still battling with bras. Right now the Sale's clerk was struggling to remove the tangled bras from Rachael's hair

"Have you OW, have you got them OW OW, out yet, ouch!" Rimmer grumbled,

"Nearly" said the sales clerk through gritted teeth, "There" she said, handing Rimmer a black push up bra, "That's the last one" she said brightly, "Now, how can I help you?"

Rimmer exhaled wearily, and held out the lacy garment he'd seen first "This one please" he said, wanting to get out of this situation as quickly as possible,

"Does it fit you?" asked the clerk, looking at the bra then Rachael's chest

"How the bloody hell should I know?" snapped Rimmer impatiently,

"What size are you?" asked the clerk, crossing her arms,

"I dunno," replied Rimmer, he glanced down at Rachel's chest, "Big?"

The sales clerk sighed and took hold of Rachael's arm, "I think you need to be measured, dear" she said with all the forced politeness she could manage.

Half an hour later Rimmer thankfully fled the shop, his face burning crimson. That was singularly the most embarrassing yet horny situation he had ever been forced experience in his entire life.

Before he could protest he was shoved into a changing room, his dress unzipped, and the sales clerk began feeling his tits...Rachael's tits.

He didn't know where to look or what to say, were you supposed to make polite conversation while a women was wrapping a tape measure round your breasts and messing about with your chest?

After that- once in a lifetime experience, the clerk then informed him that the bra he picked out was far too small and he'd have to get one four times larger.

"So what size did you say I needed?"

The clerk grunted, "F"

Rimmer didn't know much about bras but that was huge, "WHAT! THAT'S LIKE A BLOODY BARAGE BALLON"

The clerk look startled at this outburst and muttered something under her breath about how Rachael was living most women's dream and should be grateful. Rimmer glanced down and came to the conclusion Rachael must have had a boob job; it made sense, Rachael's breasts pointed north at all times.

Thanking the clerk he hurriedly clambered back into his dress, stumbled out of the changing room and replaced the too-small bra back, replacing it for a larger one

He quickly paid and ran, literally ran out of the shop, he didn't look where was going and was knocked flying by someone else who wasn't looking where they were going.

Normally Rimmer would just have been pushed back, but being Rachael; he was smaller and was sent hurling to the floor, dropping his shopping bags in the process. Rimmer lay on the floor, thinking this was all some horrid dream.

Rimmer flicked Rachael's hair out of her face and scrambled to her knees to look for her bags, he spotted the bag with his dress in next to him, but as to the whereabouts of his new underwear he was oblivious, "Looking for this?" came a voice behind him.

Spinning round Rimmer beheld the most gorgeous man he had ever seen. The man raised his eyebrow, and flicked his eyes to his left hand where a black bra was perched on the end of his fingertips

Rimmer grabbed it quickly and shoved it in his bag, mumbling a "thanks" he quickly carried on walking before realising his wallet was missing turning round quickly to the man Rimmer muttered about his wallet.

The man grinned, "What this one?" said Lister teasingly, holding Rimmer's wallet high out of Rachael's reach "-you don't say much despite the fact I've seen your undies"

Rimmer glowered and put his hands on Rachael's hips "This has nothing to do with my knickers now kindly give it back or I'll scream"

'Jeez' thought Lister what is it with girls today, had they all gone mad over night

"Okay, okay," mumbled Lister handing Rimmer back his wallet, when holding it out for Rachael to take he suddenly recognised it. It was grey with a picture of Napoleon on one side and Caesar on the other. The only other one he'd seen like that was- Rimmer's wallet....

He gave the girl a fleeting look and shrugged it off. What were the chances it was Rimmer's?

Lister looked uneasily around the brimming bar Aquila. Usually he'd have avoided this place like the plague, it was filled with rich, successful high flyers with more degrees then a thermometer, but if Kris said she'd be there, Lister would too.

Lister walked towards the bar and sat on a stool directly facing the entrance. This way Krissy would be able to see him when she walked in and vice versa. Lister turned to the barman who was now staring expectantly at Liam.

"Can I help you sir?" he asked formally, Lister scoffed at the fake ness of it all and was about to order a pint of lager when he opened his mouth and instead ordered "the strongest Irish whiskey you've got- make it a double"

He then laid $10 on the bar and pushed it towards the barman. Lister frowned inwardly, "Where had that money come from?" He didn't have $10 in his pockets, he shoved his hand in his pocket and pulled out a wad of cash, "Smeg-in-hell." he muttered quietly.

It was digital money. Which meant by the time 24 hours were up it'd disappear. No wonder the game hadn't been approved by the gaming authority. Suddenly a tall man with a slim brunette on his arm sidled up to Liam, eyeing the money. "Nice place here isn't it."

"Yeah" shrugged Lister "it's all right" 'that's a total and utter lie' thought Lister gazing at the sea of people standing around and blending beautifully with the furniture 'this place is as fake as the Eurovision song contest.

Half an hour later, after talking to nearly every single toff and their other half in the place; Lister was fed up. It was now 6.55 and Kris still hadn't turned up, "she'll be here' Lister reassured him self, "she's probably doing her hair or sorting out her make up" by 7.40 she still had showed, and Lister was beginning to worry, and when he worried he drank, he was currently nursing his fifth whiskey, he was just about to order another when she entered through the door.

Lister's heart missed a beat, she was wearing rust coloured, tight fitting dress with a plunging neck line, her hair had been coaxed into an elegant, sophisticated bun at the nape of her neck and she seemed to glide into the bar, laughing and smiling.

Lister felt his stomach turn cold as he saw she was linked onto a tall, strapping man, no doubt an officer with cash, style and an accent even the Queen would be proud of.

Krissy spotted Liam and gave a small wave and grinned before tugging on her dates arm and pointing at Liam, whispering and giggling into his ear and then leading him over to meet each other.

Lister frowned. What the hell was going on? Krissy and the man arrived in front of Liam and grinned down at him. "Hi" the guy said after about 10 seconds of silence between them.

Lister gave him a questioning look but obliged him with a small nod and a grunted "hello".

Krissy's grin widened, "Liam meet Derek. Derek meet Liam." Derek extended his hand but Lister stared at it confused, Krissy giggled, "It is Liam isn't it?"

"Yeah, how d'you know" Kristine let out a laugh that was as false as the Aquila bar, "you shouted 'Liam, you are the man' after I said I'd meet you here" Liam's cheeks flushed pink with embarrassment.

"I'll go get some drinks shall I darling?" asked Derek, "sure, _honey" she then pulled Derek into a full on kiss, and Lister could swear Kochanski looked at him and grinned evilly._

When Derek had strode away, Lister frowned at Kris.

"What the hell is going on?" he snapped, she gave him a quizzical look "I have no idea what you are talking about _Liam_, "well how about, turning up on a date with your swanky over paid, under sexed git of a work colleague" Lister exhaled angrily, "you said you were going to meet _me_, I didn't know that 'you' meant you and your other half"

Kochanski laughed, placing a hand on her chest "oohh you thought I was just coming to see you" she let out another shriek of giggles and leaned on Lister's shoulder for support, "I said I'd meet you here, so that I could show Derek, the complete and total arsehole who'd been bugging me all day"

Lister's mouth dropped open, "you mean" "oh come on" groaned Kristine, rolling her eyes "did you really think after all the trouble you caused me this morning I'd go out with you?"

"Yes" said Lister feebly

"Wrong" said Kochanski, she stared past Liam's face into the crowd, "got to go" she said icily "my _boyfriends_ waiting" she sauntered away from the bar, Lister caught her arm,

"So if you didn't want to go out with me, why'd you lead me to false hopes, make me think I'd scored when in actual fact I'd kicked it in the wrong net?"

Kochanski's face hardened "I wanted to teach you a lesson, now kindly let go of my arm and allow me to enjoy the rest of my evening out in peace!"

Lister frowned but felt like crying. He let his head drop with a thump on the bar and began banging it slowly, cursing his naivety and stupid ness under his breath. He lifted his arm slightly to get the barman's attention. "Another whiskey please." The barman nodded and was about to poor a shot before Lister stopped him, "Actually, have you got anything stronger?"

The barman nodded warily, "Well......"

Lister held out a $50, "Whatever it is. Give me it."

The barman nodded and produced a bottle and poured a small glass. Swallowing it in one gulp Lister produced a further $150. "Oh sod it, give me the bottle"


	5. Chapter 5

Ahhhhh, another chapter finished, we're about half way through now!!! lar-ton and ral-edge to celebratory jig. This has taken much blood sweat and tears..... Figuratively of course and now we're getting to the good stuff! hehe ;) (If you know what I mean) Now, please give a warm welcome to Mindless Violence and Pointless swearing (hurrah), getting close to the slash bit now, we should re-warn IT IS NOT, N-O-T, I shall repeat NOT very vivid, we leave the rest to your 'imagination', if you could call it that...enjoy.........

P.S: **Justina Moriarity: **You had us on our laughing our asses off at your review!

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Rimmer sighed inwardly. After much deliberation he had decided he would go out to one of the clubs onboard.

To begin with he hadn't planned on going anywhere. If all had actually gone to plan he would have now been tossing around in bed sheets with a female officer but since his finger had slipped and was now a woman that was unlikely and he wasn't spending his time as a someone else stuck in his and Listers room. He did that when he was himself never mind when he was Rachael.

Stumbling down the last corridor to the clubs; Rimmer felt like he'd concurred Everest, when in actual fact he'd walked down a couple of corridors. Firstly his hair wouldn't go straight, and instead resembled a static hedgehog.

Then he had forgotten his wallet half way down a corridor, and had to turn back for it which had resulted in another unfortunate encounter with Todhunter. Which had then resulted in Todhunter's 'manhood' to be promptly kicked.

Sitting down at the bar silently Rimmer ordered himself his first drink of the night.

Unbeknown to him Lister sat a few seats down; he was half way through his bottle of drink and feeling more depressed with every passing second. He stood up; he'd had enough of this swanky, fake bar with its posh, 'how do you do' regulars.

As he moved away from the bar, he slipped on the over waxed foot rail was sent sprawling forward into the back of some man, "Sorry" Lister slurred, picking him self up, the man turned round, It was Derek.

"Why don't you watch where you're going you miserable little parasite"

Lister stumbled backwards at his insult, "It was an accident, I didn't mean anything, you big stupid lug!"

Derek towered over the already tall Liam, "Don't insult me, you disgusting, moneyless wretch!" he snarled.

"oh so I'm poor now am I?" asked Lister invading Derek's personal space and coming close to his face, Derek recoiled slightly at the alcohol fumes, "well, I'd rather be poor then stay in a ssstupid place like this where arsehol..Ooffffff"

Lister was sent flying back ward by Derek's fist, he lost his balanced and toppled to the floor, before he could understand what was happening, Derek was pummeling every available inch of Liam's body, while 2 of his mates held him down.

Rimmer glanced up from his glass of water and saw a bar room brawl taking place, a very posh one at that, it was only when the ring leader of the fight moved aside did Rimmer see it was the man he'd run into today.

Rachael's legs leapt up from the bar stool and raced across to the fight, "Back off, leave him alone" Rimmer found himself saying, he pushed Derek back and knelt down to Liam.

One of the downsides to the game was that your image failed to protect you from pain, Lister's lip was bleeding and his eye was turning purple.

Rimmer made a noise like an angry cat when he saw the state he was in, "are you okay?" he asked, running a hand through Liam's hair

"I am now" he replied, with a grin.

Rimmer stood up, "go away" he said, shooing at Derek and his cronies, "haven't you caused enough trouble?" Derek adjusted his blazer "I don't think this concerns you dear, so kindly run along and leave it to the men" "Yeah, real manly, 3 against 1, is it even more manly if your 'victim' is held to the floor?" scoffed Rimmer marching up to Derek, who blinked at her back chat

"I...he said....he was insulting me. Causing a fight, I was defending myself!" protested Derek looking like the crowd of spectators for support, some agreed.

"I never" said Lister, struggling to his feet, "I accidentally fell into you and you threw the first punch!"

"That's a blatant lie you vile, jumped up little-SMACK!"

Rachael's fist was sent hurtling into Derek's chin, a hush fell over the bar, followed then by whispered, "watch your tongue" snapped Rimmer, "this mans, decent, honest, and kind...and" added Rimmer "he's seen my knickers, and I'm proud of it" Rimmer turned his back on Derek who was wailing about his looks being ruined, "now, I think you'd better go..."

Rimmer dusted his hands and walked back to Liam was sat open mouthed, not noticing blood was dripping on his shirt,

"Ooh come here" fussed Rimmer taking hold of a napkin and pressing it gently to Lister's swollen lip.

"Can you kiss it better?" pouted Lister, besotted by the attention he was receiving from the mysterious women with the sexy underwear

"Not until you tell me why you were fighting" said Rimmer firmly, 'oh my god' he thought 'I sound like a teacher, no even worse a nun!'

"The guys a smeg." winced Lister, feeling his bruised lip,

"Well, he may be a smeg but he can throw some good punches, you were being beat to a pulp"

"I would have managed on my own" huffed Lister, pulling away from Rachael's caring touch

"And how exactly?" asked Rimmer, getting a fresh napkin and nodding for the bar to get some ice

"I was about to use my tactical maneuver." said Lister lamely,

"What were you going to do?"

Lister hesitated, "kick him in the balls"

Rimmer let out a laugh "funnily enough I did that to some sod today"

"Mmmmm, proper little fighter aren't you."

Rimmer went to walk off.

"Hey" said Lister desperately, "where's my kiss?"

Rimmer turned round, eyebrows raised in surprise "what kiss?"

"You said you'd kiss me better if I told you why I was fighting, I did so KISS ME!"

"Bye" said Rimmer waltzing out of the bar, Lister grabbed his half empty bottle of drink and raced after her,

"So what's your name?" he asked, circling her,

"Rachael" replied Rimmer, tossing his hair, 'god he was good a being a women-slightly worrying thought that'

"I'm Liam" said Lister, grinning, "Listen I know we just met today and both weren't the most romantic of situations but" he scratched the back of his neck and shifted nervously, "would you like to come for a drink with me?"

Rimmer averted his eyes, "actually I..."

"oh who am I kidding?" wailed Lister, collapsing dramatically against a wall "why would someone like you want to go out with someone like me, you're beautiful, smart, funny, you've got a great right hook, you wouldn't be seen dead with a guy like me"

Rimmer looked at Liam, he had this naive, this sweetness, how could he say no, 'you're only a women once' thought Rimmer "Liam, I'd be delighted to come for a drink with you"

"You will?" said Lister, shocked by the answer,

"Yes" said Rimmer, taking hold of his hand.

They walked silently down the corridor when suddenly Lister said, "Have you got those knickers on?"


	6. Chapter 6

We are so sorry for the lack of chapters this past week or so...but it's not our fault, blame Sims 2 (great game btw).

Anyway, we (ral-edge and Lar-ton) have been promising it, talking about it, arguing about it, crying about it, and, GOD HELP US been having nightmares about it, but now, FINALLY, here it is...SLASH.... well sort of.

P.S: Thanks to all our reviewers (although few) **WE LOVE YOU** and if you leave a signed review we will get back to you- **ENJOY** :D

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Lister leaned over, the alcohol had penetrated his brain and he was becoming very loose with what he said, "I wanna kismh yesh." he slurred, reaching out for Rachael's cheek and missing by a mile, 

Rachael giggled, "Kiss me?"

Liam grinned, "Yesh."

Rachael leaned forward, "Kish me then."

Liam leaned forward, and pecked Rachael on the cheek.

She grimaced, "You call that a kish? This is a kish!" and with that she planted a big wet kiss bang on his lips.

When they broke apart they were both breathless, "bloody bugguring hell" gasped Lister, stunned. Rachael smiled, tucking a strand of hair behind her ears and leaning in for a repeat performance.

"Hey Love birds," said the gruff looking Barmen, "Hit the road, we're closing"

"It's early" whined Lister, annoyed at the barmen for ruining his chances.

"It's 3.55 AM" he roared, snatching Lister's half empty glass away from him, "Out, now!"

"Fine" said Lister, taking Rachael's hand and leading her away, "but...I'm taking this bar stool" and ran out of the bar, a giggling Rachael in toe.

"OI, you bloody drunken git!" hollered the bar man, "bring that back!"

They both ran down the corridor, their footsteps and laughing echoing off its metallic walls, when they knew they were as safely far away from the moody barmen, Lister put the stool on the floor and sat on it, pulling Rachael onto his lap, "You kish like a pop." He frowned, "Pop? Prop? Pro? Yeah. You kish like a pro."

Rachael grinned, leaning in, "I nope." before kissing Liam on the lips greedily.

Lister ran his hands down her dress tugging at the zip, Rachael pulled away, "Not here." she purred, her voice clear for the first time that night.

They stumbled further along the corridor, occasionally falling over and the other having to help them up. It was hopeless, the blind leading the blind or the drunk leading the legless. Lister was just about to point to his and Rimmer's door when he froze, the annoying git would be asleep by now, and if he spotted Liam bringing in a beautiful women with damn fine taste in underwear into the room he'd, a) be jealous b) shout c) have a heart attack.

"Yoosh not wanint to come in-e me quar-pe-ters." laughed Lister, pulling Rachael into a tighter hug and smiling "stoopid head, dork roomie." he giggled and they set off again.

After walking down the corridor for 5 minutes, Lister spotted what he was looking for. At the very end of the corridor were some quarters, which had been abandoned. A couple had recently got it on and had just moved in with each other leaving the quarters free. Opening the door quietly, Lister grabbed Rachael's hand and pulled her gently into the room.

Rimmer toppled onto the silver couch, which resembled a baked potato rather then furniture, while Lister locked the door, he smiled at Rachael who's dress was beginning to slide off her shoulders, he shook his head, he must have been really drunk as her eyes were changing, they kept going from the soft hazelnut colour to dark brown that seemed to glow with ambition. Lister shook his head, and tried to dismiss the idea.

"D'you want a nuther drinky?" he asked, leaning casually against the doorframe, Rachael blanched and eyed him warily,

"What is it?" he asked, half way through his sentence he realized what was up...his scouse accent was breaking through.

If Lister had followed the instructions correctly and read the manual he'd have read on page 458 Paragraph 12 Line 29 that drinking copious amounts of alcohol while playing 'Alter U' would affect the projection of your chosen character thus meaning that your own features, thoughts and feelings will be shown from time to time, but Lister being Lister, hadn't and, it put it nicely was now in deep smeg.

"You're voice...it's gone all funny!?!" said Rachael pointlessly

"Sorry" apologized Lister edging towards the door,

"No, don't apologize," purred Rachael, batting her eyelids "I think it's _sexy_!"

"Really?" asked Lister walking over to her,

"Yeah" she replied, Lister nodded, and collapsed onto the seat next to her,

"Nowww" he said lustily, taking full advantage of his sexy voice "where whas wee?"

Rachael put her hands on her hips, and pretended to be offended by his forgetfulness "Fink you were zippy"

Liam grinned, "Ah yesh." leaning forward to kiss her, Lister began to grabble for the zip on the back of Rachael's dress, After 3 minutes or so, Lister began to panic, if he took any longer the mood would be lost

"Whatsss sup?" asked Rimmer breaking away,

"The blurry zipsss stuck," replied Lister, dumbfounded by this.

He'd always been a champion at getting a kit off, even to this day his proudest achievement was when he got a dress off in 30 seconds flat, and he liked it add, it had _really_ fiddly buttons. "I'm a failure" he moaned, covering his eyes with the palm of his hands,

Rimmer rolled Rachael's kohl lined eyes, 'why are men so bloody difficult?' he wondered, he tugged hard at the dress, ignoring the tell tale ripping sound and dropped it on the floor, leaving him standing in nothing but his sexy lingerie.

Lister was oblivious to this act of kinkiness as he was still wallowing in a pit of despair and self loathing, he was pulled from his thoughts by an impatient cough, he lowered his hands "you kinky bloorry bugger"

Rimmer found himself giggling stupidly, as Liam's prying eyes wandered up and down Rachael's body and seemed to zoom in on her vast chest, "like them?" he said saucily,

Lister raised his eyebrows, what sort of question was that? She looked absolutely smegging sexy in them, 'but' he thought 'they'd look much better on the floor...'

"I need a closer look" Lister laughed, Rachael leapt onto his lap and began nuzzling his neck, Lister's wandering hands soon had found their way to Rachael's bottom

"Don't" snapped Rimmer, pushing his hands away

"Why?"

"I don't like my bottom" he mumbled, turning away so Liam couldn't see his crimson face,

"I love your bottom," said Lister truthfully, his fingers reaching out for it, but a sharp slap from Rimmer halted their approach.

"It's huge" Rimmer moaned recalling the horrific blue dress

"Men like a bottom they can park a bike in and balance a pint of beer on!"

Rimmer recoiled slightly, "So you think I do have a fat arse?"

Lister backed up, he had just ran into everyman's worst nightmare, the bottom question, often the making or breaking of a relationship, "I didn't say that-"he said quickly, trying to right his wrongs

"YOU DID!" wailed Rimmer "YOU THINK I'VE GOT A HUGE BOTTOM AND YOU DON'T LIKE ME" he began to sob uncontrollably," I'm going to die, sat, ugly, alone and-"

Lister placed a hand over her mouth silencing her whining "are we going to have sex or not?"

"What?" jumped Rimmer, he'd never been asked such a question in his life.

"Are we going to have sex or not?" Lister repeated, rubbing her arm gently and suggestively,

Rimmer did a double take, seeing if this beautiful stranger was serious or being a prat, "errrrm well"

"Okay" sighed Lister, getting off the couch and going to the door, "see you around"

"NOOOO" screamed Rimmer, launching himself at Liam's legs and wrapping Rachael's slender arms round them in a vice like grip, "I _do_ want sex, I crave it, I need it, I NEED YOU AND ME TO MAKE WILD, PASSIONATE, EARTH QUAKE INDUCING LOVE ALL NIGHT LONG!"

Lister grinned, "I'll take that as a yes then."


	7. Chapter 7

Ral-edges A/N: Forgive me father, for I have sinned, (makes sign of cross and prays for soul) I had no idea we (you should know us by now lar-ton and ral-edge) were so dirty minded. It got worse and worse, more details, more kinky small talk and sexual innuendo, oooh am so ashamed, but strangely happy. I love this chapter, some of the jokes (mainly wrote by Lar-ton the new Queen of comedy) are fan-bloody-tastic. We hope you enjoy.

Lar-ton A/N: Ok I would ditto what Ral-edge said about the asking the holy father to forgive me, however I think he might lob a bible at my head after some of the not-so-discreet jokes in this chapter. So instead I'm just going to cower in a corner and fear his wrath. Other than that, Ral-edge is just being modest about joke thing, she is infact the queen/empress/president of comedy and I have simple got my groove back cos I'm emotional and confused in my personal life which means my writing is of exemplary standard compared to normal. Love and hope u enjoy, Lar-ton.

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The first thing Lister realised when he woke up was that somehow an army of hippos wearing tap-shoes had invaded his brain and we're at the moment were doing the river dance. 

He had one humungous headache.

The grand daddy of all headaches in fact.

The second thing he then realised was that his arm had gone numb, due to someone lying on it.

Lister's forehead creased into a frown as he remembered the night before.

There was Krissy, -and some jerk who punched him in face, and then...... What next? Oh yeah, a beautiful girl- no, woman.

Lister grinned, the night before had been one to remember that's for sure!

Lister's grin widened as he recalled the previous evening; they'd done _it_ on the sofa, the bed, the floor, in the wardrobe, Lister thought for a second, there was one more, he grinned slightly as he remembered, the sink.

He remembered the cold tap going up his bottom.

Lister sighed blissfully and opened his eyes. Quickly though, Lister realised something was- different.

His feet were several inches above the end of the bed, whereas the night before they'd been hung over clumsily. His chest was...... well podgy, as was his stomach and torso.

Lister felt the all too familiar sense of dread only this time much worse.

He was in his own body again.

Lister snapped his eyes shut. He knew it was only a matter of time before Rachael opened her eyes and he didn't want to see the look on her face when she realised she'd actually slept with some slightly overweight scouse slob.

He couldn't bear to see the horrified expression she'd have, or the anger; worse than that though, he couldn't face the disappointment that would no doubt cross her delicate features.

"Still" he thought, "No time like the present."

He turned to face the snoozing figure of Rachael and opened his eyes.

Anyone onboard Red Dwarf who had been sleeping at that precise moment were then violently jerked from their slumber by an ear piercing screech which could rival Michael Jackson.

Lying next to him- naked- on his arm was Arnold J Rimmer, who promptly jerked awake at the scream, before noticing Lister and screaming too.

Lister raced across the room, quickly pulling on a bathrobe with shaking hands "What the hell are you doing here?" he spat.

Rimmer scowled "What d'you mean what am I doing here, what the smegging hell are you doing here where's Liam?"

Rimmer had no idea why he was asking that question, he watched as Lister closed his eyes are groaned, collapsing into a nearby chair, something inside Rimmer's head clicked "you're not-"

"Yeah" Lister interrupted, averting his eyes before continuing "and you're"

"Yes" interjected Rimmer, his voice un-naturally high,

"Oh god" moaned Lister

"We had sex" said Rimmer monotonously, wrapping his scrawny arms round his legs and rocking, "We had sex!"

"I know" moaned Lister thumping himself on the head.

"We had sex!" repeated Rimmer, getting more and more hysterical

"YES" replied Lister," I KNOW, STOP REMINDING ME!"

"We had sex!"

"Rimmer, shut up!"

"We. Had. Sex"

"SHUT UP"

"WE HAD SEX!"

"Rimmer" screamed Lister, "Will you please say something, BESIDES, WE HAD SEX?!"

Rimmer paused, making as if to say something "WE HAD SEX!"

"OH FOR GODS SAKE RIMMER, I'D HAVE THOUGHT YOU'D HAVE BEEN HAPPY TO HAVE A BIT OF RUMPY PUMPY WITH SOMEONE!"

Rimmer looked at him without flinching for the first time in 5 minutes, "Me? ME!? Oh that's rich, what about you??? I saw the way you looked at that cat on Titan! You were that desperate you considered shagging the cat! In fact you probably DID shag the cat!"

Lister scowled, "And you know what I look like when I want to shag something, how?"

Rimmer paused and blinked; "We had Sex."

Lister annoyed at the cat-shagging gibe retaliated "We didn't just have sex once you know!"

Rimmer went even paler "We... did it more then once?"

"Yeah" replied Lister, feeling very embarrassed about the situation,

"You mean we had sex numerous times on this bed!" gagged Rimmer, glancing down at the bed he was lay in,

"We didn't just do it in the bed" said Lister, biting his nails,

"What?!" squealed Rimmer, "Where else did we do it?"

"Where didn't we do it" laughed Lister hysterically, "Bed, chair, couch, floor, sink, wardrobe, shower... I think we even did it on the corridor at one bit."

"Ohmygod" moaned Rimmer, laying his head in his hands, "I think I'm going to be sick!"

"That's your hangover." offered Lister politely.

"It is not my hangover!" snapped Rimmer, tugging the thin sheets around his body "It's the fact that you and me indulged in something only pimps would dream of!"

Lister sighed, and scratched the back of his neck "What's the matter, didn't you enjoy it?"

Rimmer clamped his lips together, in truth he had enjoyed it, hell he'd never had any experience like it, he was brought the heights of unparallel ecstasy and was sent back for a return trip, it had been the best night of his life, but letting Lister know that would be suicidal "no" he replied simply,

"I did" said Lister, shrugging his shoulders

"How can you be so calm about this whole affair?" asked Rimmer,

"I've bedded worse" shrugged Lister although inside he was dying, Rimmer hadn't enjoyed it; that meant Rachael hadn't enjoyed it, and as much as he knew Rachael didn't exist he still wanted to give her an enjoyable experience. He was brought out of his thought quickly by a rambling Rimmer,

"...are you even listening to me? How do I know you didn't take advantage of Rachael in her drunken state?? I should have you reported-"

Lister chuckled, cutting Rimmer off, "I don't think that's very likely, I seem to remember _someone _begging to, 'Take me now' " Lister rolled his eyes at Rimmer after saying this to Rimmer's annoyance who pursed his lips to show his up most displeasure before eyeing Lister's nether regions and going pale.

"Oh god."

Lister sighed, "Look we've been through this-"

Rimmer grimaced, "That, inside me!"

Lister coughed uncomfortable before Rimmer scowled at him, "I could have some disease god knows who else you've been playing genital jigsaw with- a mean you shag cats!"

Lister almost exploded with rage, "I DO NOT SHAG CATS! BESIDES, WHAT ABOUT YOU? I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'VE BEEN YOU COULD JUST AS EASILY HAVE SOME DISEASE!-"Lister paused and grinned calming down considerably, "Then again, I mean it's you we're talking about, you were probably a virgin."

Rimmer quickly looked away, an awkward silence descended on the room, "so" asked Rimmer finally "what do we do now?"

"We're not doing a repeat performance, you can buggar off!" said Lister quickly,

"NO" replied Rimmer, half turned on at the prospect,

"I mean do we tell people"

"Yeah" said Lister sarcastically, pacing round the room "'hi Lister what did you get up to last night' 'oh nothing much, just shagged Rimmer.' "

"So it was just a one night stand" whispered Rimmer, feeling his heart crack,

Lister jumped slightly, what was this guy implying, did he--no, that was WAY too gross, even for Rimmer. "Well...yeah"

Rimmer's screwed up his face in anger "YOU SMEGGING PIMP, YOU WHORE LOVER, YOU CHEAP, OVER RATED, BRILLIANTLY SEXY GIT, YOU BROKE MY HEART YOU ARSED UP SOD!"

"Rimmer" pleaded Lister

"DON'T TALK TO ME YOU HEART BREAKING GIT, I HATE YOU, YOU MIGHT BE A TERRIFIC LOVER, AND I'VE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE STEAL A BAR STOOL IN SUCH A WAY YOU HAVE, BUT YOU'RE A SMEGGING ARSEHOLE, AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" With his dignity recovered, Rimmer breathed out, got out of bed and walked confidently out the door.

Lister paused "you forgot your bed sheet!"


	8. Chapter 8

Lar-ton- sobs Oh so much fun.... GONE...the laughs...sobs GONE ahh, we've had so much fun with this but to drag it out, to keep it going would devalue the whole story so we're going out with a bang. I hope you aren't disappointed with the ending; hopefully it'll satisfy your slashy needs, peace and love, lar-ton.

Ral-edges A/N: The end of an era (sobs). I had at one point thought that the writer's block monster that was stalking me would never allow us to finish the story, but we managed to outwit him (a.k.a kick him in the balls!) and hurrah it's done and dusted. I've really enjoyed writing this; I hope you've enjoyed reading it. BIG thanks to all who reviewed, you're great! Bye...for now...mmmmwwwahahahahhahahahahahahaha (coughs) hahahahhahaha

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The next few days dragged on for Rimmer. He kept getting shag flash backs and was disgusted with his own thoughts.

Occasionally in his sleep he would cry out "Pimp!" before jerking awake from a blissful slumber.

Lister was also not taking the situation very well.

He'd slept with a man. He had nothing against gays but still, but for some reason the thought made his skin crawl.

Worse still, that man was Rimmer- under the guise of Rachael obviously, but to think that they'd connected in the first place freaked him out, endlessly.

'OH MY GOD' Lister thought suddenly.

He was attracted to Rimmer... Well Rimmer's personality at least.

Lister shook it off, he decided Rimmer's personality in a women's body would be irresistible, it made sense, being a guy –even an undersexed one- he'd knew what a guy wanted and how...which might explain the fantastic, mind blowing sex!

The next day, Rimmer was awake first; he sat, watching Lister sleep.

He couldn't help it; he'd just been walking over to the fridge to grab a drink of milk when he'd seen him, breathing quietly, small snores escaping from his mouth occasionally. He stood staring transfixed at his bunkmate, scrutinizing his image.

He wasn't that fat, sort of plump, well built, big boned...cuddly. He looked so innocent whilst asleep, not the cruel, malicious guy who'd broke his heart in two then spat on the remains.

Normally Rimmer would now have felt an angry surge consume his entire body, before reaching for his report book to describe Lister's latest misconduct.

Instead he felt something stir, a warm, tingling feeling he'd experienced only once before when his brothers had pushed him too close to the fire whilst he was tied to a chair doused in petrol. Only this time, he was not near any heating appliances, and nor had he been eating red-hot chili sauce.

If this feeling meant what he thought it meant...

Crap!

"Watching me sleeping now, you kinky bugger?" Lister peered from under his duvet at Rimmer's befuddled expression as he realized he was caught in the act.

"No." he mumbled quickly, turning away.

Thankfully Rimmer didn't have to endure this embarrassing situation any more as the post halted any further conversation.

"Anything good?" asked Lister, grinning mischievously at Rimmer's mortified expression at being caught red handed, or red eyed!

"OH MY GOD!" yelled Rimmer

"Is that one of your favorite sayin's?"

"No, it's just" Rimmer huffed angrily "they've sent us a playbacks of the game!"

Lister frowned "I didn't know we got that, maybe it's mentioned somewhere in the manual!"

Rimmer jerked as if he'd been slapped "you mean you _didn't_ read the manual!"

"No!" said Lister guiltily, "did you?"

"A guy acquires breasts and you want him to think of something as trivial as a manual!"

Lister frowned before grinning, "No. I suppose that would be the last thing on your mind...."

Rimmer frowned and crossed his arms huffily, "Well it's the least I could have expected from you- some dirty pervy comment."

Lister raised his eyebrows, as his grin widened, "Hey I didn't say anything It was _your_ dirty mind that assumed I was being rude."

Rimmer blinked at Lister, "Well what were you thinking then?"

Lister grinned, "Actually I was thinking, what I would I think if I suddenly acquired breasts...firstly, I'd be mad, freaked out, you know what I mean, then I'd just 'enjoy' them."

Rimmer glared at him "You...bloody...jammy git... you...you..."

Lister grinned, "Rimmer stuck for words, now that is a surprise. Someone alert the presses!"

Rimmer looked away and glared at the floor, "Pimp" he muttered darkly.

"Will you stop calling me a pimp!"

"No...Pimpy pimp"

"Rimmer-" said Lister warningly

"You're the biggest pimmpiest, pimp in the entire pimp history of the organisation of pimphood!"

"Are you gonna play the smeggin' video or not?" snapped Lister,

"Fine" said Rimmer tartly, before muttering 'pimp'.

"Which one, yours or mine?" asked Lister, getting himself comfy

Rimmer though for a second, "yours" He didn't want to show Lister Rachael have her breast measured, especially after their previous discussion

"Fine, put it on!" Lister laughed, "This is going to be good!""

Lister and Rimmer sat staring at the video screen, neither of them spoke, but when they caught each other's eyes they quickly turned away gagging.

After what seemed like an age Lister managed to speak, "that..." he shuddered "has taken the work kinky to whole new heights!"

Rimmer nodded slowly, before asking in a hoarse whisper "where did we get the jam from?"

Lister let out a nervous laugh "The jam? You're worried about the smeggin' jam? I'm still reeling from the nurse's uniform!"

Rimmer's lips curled into a small smile as faint memories formed in his mind, "one question?" he asked, giving Lister a glance before pointing to the video screen

"Shoot" said Lister

"Where did you get the nurses uniform?"

Lister's face went blank, "I don't know! Probably the same place we got that rubber chicken!"

Rimmer grinned, "I've never thought of that use for suspenders before...I mean the way it-"

Lister cut him off, "Okay, okay, let's watch it from your point of view now."

Rimmer paled, "No." he said hastily.

Lister caught on quickly "Why is there something you'd rather I didn't see?"

Rimmer grumbled, "Well sort of..."

Lister grabbed the video from Rimmer's tight grip, "All the better."

Lister was lay on his bunk watching the playback of his Alter U game, he shot Rimmer a sly look before turning the volume up to the max, just as Rachael's screams of ecstasy reached their peak, for a second or two Rimmer said nothing, then he snapped. "Will you turn that bloody racket off!" he screamed.

"No" protested Lister "it's just getting to the good bit!"

"What good bit?'" asked Rimmer with a snarl, Lister raised his eyebrows and said seductively

"The bit with the space hopper!"

Rimmer laughing halted him from going into lengthy and disgustingly vivid details

"What? You think that's the best bit? The best bit is-" he stopped, realising he'd fallen into a trap, he quickly lowered his head and said nothing.

"So" said Lister, peering down at him, "you _did_ enjoy it!"

"Nope." lied Rimmer,

"Come-on" urged Lister, jumping down from his bunk and sitting next to him

"No!"

"Stop lying"

"I'm not"

"You are!"

"Am not...pimp"

"Don't start that again!" groaned Lister,

Rimmer went unusually quiet "That's what you are...you used me, left me alone- defenseless"

Lister laughed

"And you broke my heart..."

Lister did a double take, "Say what??"

Rimmer blushed, "Nothing."

Lister grabbed his arm and Rimmer flinched, "What did you say?"

Rimmer sighed, "You-"

"Yes..."

"...Broke..."

"Yes!"

"My..."

"Oh holy mother of God get on with it, man!"

Rimmer pouted, "Fine, I won't tell you then." 

Listers mouth hung open as he stared at Rimmer, who twitched and turned away "Are you trying to say what I think your trying to say, cos if you are trying to say what I think your trying to say, I'm not going to allow you to say what I think your about to say!"

Rimmer let out an obnoxious laugh "You can't stop me!"

"No" said Lister, "I can't...but a pillow rammed half way down you gob might make talking slightly difficult" he quickly picked up the pillow off his bunk but hesitated, it wouldn't hurt to let Rimmer have his say...would it

"Go on" he said grudgingly

"What?" asked Rimmer, stumped

"Say it!"

"Say what?"

"Rimmer, you've just been prattling on for the past 5 minutes about telling me this stupid thing and now you're playing the 'I don't know game', you'll talk in the next 3 seconds, or...your tonsils can say hi to Mr. pillow!"

Rimmer shrugged took a deep breath, "Youbrokemyfriginheartyousmeghead"

Lister pulled a face, "What??"

Rimmer twisted his shirt between his fingers uncomfortably, "Urm.........ohhh...is that a pigeon?" Rimmer pointed to the corner of the room before making a dash for the door, Lister was too quick for him though,

"Tell me what you said you smeg head"

"NO!"

"TELL ME OR I'LL" Lister shook the pillow defensively, bringing whole new meaning to the term 'pillow talk'.

"YOU BROKE MY HEART ALRIGHT!" screamed Rimmer, pushing him away.

A deathly silence blanketed the room; Lister pulled a face, "Rimmer. There's about as much chance of us two getting together as a goat graduating from university."

Rimmer shoulders slumped dejectedly; "oh" turning round, Rimmer headed towards the door to escape his embarrassment and rejection he just reached the door when Lister called out.

"Rimmer."

"Yeah?"

"Did you hear about that goat?"

"What? What goat?"

"The one that graduated from university."

END


End file.
